Summer lovin' and the perils of dating
Dating isn't easy when your family is a bit complicated. How do you trust people when all your life you were told that refugees are parasites?
Greetings from wet and greyish London!
Now that I’m fortunate enough to be double-jabbed, I’m hopefully going somewhere in the Med with my little family - something that was put on hold for nearly two years.
Raising a tiny human during a pandemic has not been easy, so I can’t wait to have a bit of a summer holiday! ☀️⛱️🍹
Like many couples, it’s no surprise that the pandemic has put a lot of pressure on my marriage, and things that used to semi-annoy us are now under the microscope and seemingly all-consuming.
As we emerge from a VERY long lockdown, I’m so thankful that we’ve come through it stronger than before. But I have to admit there were moments when I had to remind myself why we started dating and fell in love in the first place. (Thankfully, there are plenty of reasons!)
First gen refugees are pretty resilient people - nothing really fazes us, especially since our families have literally lived through wars or genocide! I mean, I don’t sweat the small stuff and I’m ridiculously tough.
Even so, when I was an awkward teen/young single lass, I remember having these overwhelming feelings of inferiority and insecurity which were amplified whenever someone showed any interest in me. Have you ever felt that?? I just never felt good enough and hated the attention.
As a result, I genuinely found it hard to be vulnerable and open with anyone. How do you suddenly trust people when all your life you were told that refugees are parasites and to “go back to your own country”? Dating requires you to be vulnerable when everything in you does not want to - or even know how to - be vulnerable.
Looking back, I wished someone told me how I should be proud of myself and my family for getting this far. All through high school and university, I didn’t tell anyone - let alone potential suitors - about my refugee heritage, in case they thought I HAD ISSUES (Fun fact: I do ✌🏽), or felt sorry for me, or found me inspiring (*barf!*)
I never felt that they would accept me and my fam - because hell, we’re actually pretty messed up, which is understandable given that we’ve gone through so much trauma. Let’s face it, it’s quite a big pill to swallow if you date me - you’ve got my whole crazy family to contend with.
If you’re feeling this right now, and are struggling with inferiority or just worried about what people will think about your family, all I can say is: Start telling people about your life. I regret not speaking more highly of my family when I was a teenager because of shame and embarassment.
It’s taken years for me to undo that (I’m still untangling the knots), but keeping it to myself held me back from being vulnerable and having deeper friendships and relationships.
All I can say is, luckily for me, my boyfriend (now husband) didn’t really care about the complexities and went all in. He’s the one who helped me trust people and loves my crazy family. He’s a keeper, as they say. (And the pandemic really drove that point home for me! ♥️)
Now that we have a daughter, I can’t wait to teach her about her refugee heritage so she can tell all her little friends about her amazing family!
I would love to know how you’ve opened up about your refugee fam to lovers or friends. Was it easy for you, or did you struggle a bit like me? Any tips for people who (like me!) are still on this journey?
What’s got my attention lately
Have you been watching the Olympics? This time round, there has been so much drama around the Games that I’m far more interested in all the peripheral stuff! (COVID! Cardboard beds! Knitting divers! Oh my!)
But who could ignore this stunning GOLD medal win by Sunisa Lee, an 18-year-old daughter of Hmong refugees? She made me so proud! (If you follow @TheFirstGens on Instagram, you’re probably sick of all my fangirling lol)
As I’m a journalist, I am a HUGE fan of first gens who are also writers and poets because I feel that it’s crucial to document our lived history instead of allowing others (read: white folks) tell our narratives. I could talk all day about this!!
Even if you’re not working in media or a creative industry, I would love for you to watch this panel discussion with Ocean Vuong, Alexander Chee, Mahogany L. Browne, Monica Sok, and Sinan Antoon.
If you don’t have much time, around 1.35.27 is when Ocean (a Vietnamese refugee) and Monica (a daughter of Cambodian refugees) have a glorious chat about their craft and writing as first gen refugees. Gave me goosebumps! Enjoy!
What are you reading, watching or listening to at the moment? Let me know!
Until next time!
Cheers,
Lin ✌🏽✨